Category Archives: love

So Where Did We Leave Off?

Oh yeah.

I said I was leaving Utah and moving to the Midwest.

That was over two years ago and quite a bit has changed since then. I would love to say that I got my happy ending, at least in some form or fashion. Sadly, that didn’t happen.

In fact, next week will be the one-year anniversary of me moving out and into my own apartment. And that says enough to where I could actually end this post right there. I’m sure you can guess, though, that there is a whole lot more beneath the surface of that statement.

The obvious question then becomes, “What happened?” Well, long story short, I finally recognized that the two of us just did not approach our relationship with the same intent or vision.

I can promise you that I do not feel blasé about the breakup as that simple explanation might lead you to believe. In fact, before I made the decision to move into my own space last year, the depth of the unhappiness and heartache I felt was overwhelming. I felt like I was drowning and that my own home was not a safe space. Top that with living in a state where I had no emotional ties, outside of my partner, and no support structure of my own. My circle of friends, spread out across the country, didn’t know much more than the few frustrations I shared back then. I retreated from them, as I often do when things get really difficult.

I was lost.

Thankfully, I made the decision to get help, and will always be grateful for finding an amazing therapist right off the bat. She provided the safe space I needed to scream and cry and brain dump everything I was feeling. Working with her allowed me to actually process what was going in the relationship. She mentioned once that she didn’t really do a lot for me, but I respectfully agree to disagree with her on that.

Now, therapy did not push me to move out. In fact, I still tried to make the relationship work for months after my first therapy appointment. I shared the work I was doing and the things I discovered about myself, in an effort to encourage my ex to finally open up. He had sought out his own therapist by that time. While I assured him that he was under no obligation to share anything with me from his sessions, I hoped he would. I was desperate to find some way for us to finally start connecting and communicating more effectively. Unfortunately, he only shared vague pieces of his sessions, and repeatedly told me his therapist wasn’t giving him any “homework”. Sigh.

When the day came that I realized I needed my own space, I STILL wasn’t actually ending the relationship. I just knew I needed a place where I could get back what I had lost by putting all my effort into building a relationship with this man. I needed a place where I could find some peace and joy in my life again.

Two months after I moved into my own space, however, I ended the relationship.

To be continued…

I remember

I remember
Your arm around me, pulling me close
The heat of your skin against mine
The sound of your voice in my ear

I remember
The touch of your lips on my skin
“Two thumbs up”
Knowing I would be back with you soon

I remember
Your eyes claiming me
Hearing that you missed me
Feeling truly wanted for the first time

I remember

Some days I just don’t know how I’m going to do this.


Having this time to myself just wasn’t what I thought it would be.

When the husband said he was finally being sent out of town for work, I dropped to my knees and cried, “My prayers have been answered, thank you LORD!” But then I remembered that I’m agnostic, so that didn’t really help. I thought that the time apart would be a good break from the tension in the house. And it has been. But along with that, came something I wasn’t expecting. Something that I am having a difficult time explaining (even to myself). I found that I focused on how much I wanted to be free of this ‘arrangement’ and to move on with my life. To hopefully find love again. And I realized how scared I am that I won’t be able to find it. That I won’t be able to have a lasting, loving relationship (that is after the prince charges up on his white steed and sweeps me off my feet – good dream!). It keeps me up at night and helps me plot how I’m going to stab the husband as he sleeps cuz I can he snores.

I recently bought the eternity necklace above. I’m not superstitious. I just liked the idea of wearing these rings near my heart reminding me of things I need to hold onto through this tough time (cuz I couldn’t find faith, trust, and pixie dust). If they don’t work I can always start rubbing my rabbit’s foot, knocking on wood, and spinning around clockwise 7 times.

P.S. I’m watching An Officer and a Gentleman on cable and they dubbed over & bleeped out the word wop. This country’s going to hell. I should probably try to get some sleep, but the odds of success are not in my favor. Good thing the husband is not here or he would be in serious danger if he eyeballed me.

P.P.S. Oh, I need a drink.

‘One Of These Days’ gets me every time

When I listen to the last chorus of this song:

One of these days I’m gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days, I’ll rise above me
And at last I’ll find some peace
Then I’m gonna smile a little
Maybe even laugh a little but
One of these days I’m gonna love me

I reflect on my life & I get very teary. I hope that one of these days I’m gonna love me too.

happy valentine’s day? buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i admit it. i receive emails from an online adult store. there, i said it. sometimes the stuff in the emails is just too unbelieveably weird. i received an email today from them and at the top of the message it said:

last chance – 25% off all vibrators for valentine’s day!
and i’m thinking, who in the HELL would give a vibrator as a valentine’s day present? i realize that many try to give something different than the more common candy or flowers. but, really? a vibrator? i guess nothing says true love more than a junk buzzer. well, some might actually agree with that.

maybe hallmark should get in the adult product biz. their new slogan could be “when you care enough to send the very best ………. orgasm”.