Category Archives: i wouldn’t do this if i didn’t need the $$$

Work is gonna ban me from the internet.

Yesterday, I was reading one of the blogs I follow and now I’ll be lucky if they don’t take away my internet access at work. (be warned that it’s potentially NSFW, which is why they’re going to ban me from the internet as work).

The post started out fairly tame. But then I read where it said that Target sells cock rings and I’m all, “The HELL???” So I read it again and I’m all, “WTF???” The author had to be making this up. HAD to be. So I clicked on the link…..and that was all it took. I immediately transformed into a teenage boy, doing my best imitation of Butthead:

Huh huh…huh…uhhhhh…huh huh…you said…huh huh…c-c-c-c-cock…huh huh…huh huh!

But in a much more dignified, womanly manner. Which means that I was drooling on my desk laughing so hard and trying desperately NOT to snort. Oh. My. Gawd. How a few simple words can reduce me to this.

The rest of the post was a blur, since my mind was totally focused on the fact that TARGET SELLS COCK RINGS. Nothing can worm it’s way into my one-track mind at that point. So don’t even try. After my teenage hormones had *somewhat* settled, I HAD to tell people, “Did you know that Target sells cock rings?” Which, of course, pretty much started the giggles all over again.

I don’t know if I will ever truly be able to express my gratitude to her for helping to perpetuate my status of the troublemaker at work. Huh huh…huh huh.

*updated* The series of tweets that became a blog post.

I’ve totally figured out the cure for my insomnia……….going to work.

It’s a payroll week and I’m busy, but all I can think of is closing my eyes and going to sleep.

Fuck people’s paychecks. They don’t need to get paid, right?

Oh all RIGHT! I’ll pay them, but then I’m putting my head down and going to sleep!

Ok, so I keep forgetting that I’m sending things to the printer. I get up to do something else and then realize I don’t have what I printed so I print it again.

OMG I’M KILLING TREES! I should be burned at the stake!

I need to be stopped cuz it’s not enough that I’m killing trees by wasting paper. Apparently I need to burn them down too for my self-mutilation/self-sacrifice.

I’m going to hell.

Good thing I don’t believe in hell.

And that the liquor store is just down the street.

Update: So that last line doesn’t really make sense to me, which means I imagine that it *absolutely* doesn’t make any sense to a lot of people. So, let me add that if I’m going to hell, I’ll be the geeky popular wanna be who brings booze to desperately try to fit in.

Look out Satan… I come and I’m bringin’ a keg to get the party started!

D-Day approaches & I will storm the beaches of Normandy SLCC campus with guns blazing pencils ready.

The start of the fall semester is looming in the not too distant future, so I figured it was time to take a look at where I am with everything that needs to be done to kick this pig. No, I’m not really going to kick a pig, unless you have treasured loathesome stuffed pig with the stuffing starting to come out that you want to loan me. If we do this, though, you should know it’s safe to say that you won’t get your pig back.

Wait a minute…..what the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah…college checklist. (Sigh) There are days I still can’t believe I am actually attempting this torture yet AGAIN. But things seem to be falling into place pretty well & quickly, so that must mean that this is the right time in my life to get this done. 3rd time’s a charm, right? Below is my initial checklist that just covers the basics at a high-level. I didn’t think it was necessary to get really detailed by adding things like: (Under Apply for financial aid) Pull at least 1/2 your hair out trying to find all the required financial documentation that you thought you were through with once you finally got off your ass & filed your god damned taxes. That just goes without saying, right?

  • Apply/get accepted (completed)
  • Take placement tests (completed)
  • Complete New Student Orientation (completed)
  • Apply for financial aid
  • Select classes
  • Register for classes
  • Start classes VERY IMPORTANT!
  • I’m applying for financial aid while working on selecting my classes, cuz that’s just the kind of psychotic awesome multitasker I am. I’m even finding time/energy to keep my blog updated with my academic escapades. Damn, I’m good. Now if I could just figure out what my major should be? I couldn’t find professional alcohol consumer on the list. I’m at a loss.

    I should be banned from all staff meetings.

    I’m usually pretty quiet in staff meetings. I keep my comments to myself until after when the little groups break apart into their more intimate bitch sessions. Today was another story. I had serious difficulty in keeping my comments to myself today when it came to discussing the merger/layoffs. Granted they were whispered to my friend sitting next to me, but still…..

    Co-worker: I wonder what kind of morale booster they will have.

    Me: cattle prod.

    Co-worker: I’m sure they could come up with a really nice morale booster.

    Me: oh…scented cattle prod.

    She started rolling & I was laughing so hard I drooled on the table. Everyone else in the meeting was wondering what was wrong with us, especially when she got up to get me a tissue to wipe the table. Cuz no one wants to put their hands in someone else’s spit, no matter how funny the joke was that caused it to be there. I think the department head was glad for the 5 weeks where I missed the staff meetings.

    I never thought I’d see the day when a layoff meeting would be a good thing.

    It’s official…..I’m losing my job. There I’ve said it. I knew it was coming, so I wasn’t surprised.

    The merger closed June 11th pretty much right on schedule. From the day the merger was announced I knew Payroll would be absorbed. There were lots of rumors and speculation (what a bunch of gossipmongers!), but I tried to take them all with a grain of salt. I would not falter in my resolve that I was going to lose my job. It was easier that way… surprises. Well, no bad surprises anyway. If somehow I managed to survive this merger with my job intact, it would be a pleasant surprise. Much better, I think, than to hold out hope that I would be safe only to get the horrible shock that a significant part of my world was gonna come crashing down. That wasn’t a risk I was willing to take, especially since the husband has been laid off twice in the past 6 years.

    However, to say that I was okay with losing with losing my job depended on which day you caught me. I’ve been on a pretty interesting emotional roller coaster since the merger was announced. It’s safe to say that I’ve been through all the phases of grief at least 5 times and not in any real particular order. I always came back to “what’s next for me?” In some ways this could be the best way to move forward with the divorce. And then, there’s the inevitable (& frequent) “WTF am I gonna do now?” I think out loud a lot, but have to be careful who I do that around, cuz if they don’t know how I deal, I could inadvertantly burn a lot of bridges. Not good. The stress of all of it felt like a brick sitting on my chest, but it was manageable so I didn’t worry about it much.

    Until this week. We were told a rep from corp HR was coming cuz those who were losing their jobs had to be notified within 30 days of the close of the merger. Yesterday morning, I woke up and the brick had morphed into a 2-ton boulder on my chest. It was all I could do to get ready and actually come to work. I didn’t really need to worry, though. My meeting was in the afternoon & I was ready to get it over with when my time came. They confirmed that my layoff date is 2/28/10 (still somewhat tentative) and that I will get a severance, which will be paid out in bi-weekly installments (the only thing I wasn’t expecting). I got the feeling that the people in the meeting thought I would have some sort of breakdown. Hello? You’re not really telling me anything I didn’t already know. Besides, have you WORKED with the Main Sales Floor? They DRIVE you to want to quit drink excessively. My brain liver needs a break. Anyway, I walked out of that meeting with more options than I thought I had going in. I now know that I don’t have to hurry to find a job. I’ve got time to check out ALL my options. I’m doing a lot of thinking outside of the box on this one, which is probably what I’m doing if you catch me muttering to myself.

    Life goes on and as long as I stop finding gray eyebrow hairs, it will all be good.

    I’m another step closer to finally getting a degree or falling flat on my face.

    I’m doing it. I’m really doing it this time. I’m going back to college to get my degree. I think.

    I took my English and Math placement tests today so I can register for the fall semester. I really thought I would struggle with the English part more than the Math. After all, I was in Calculus by my senior year. What a fucking crock of shit. A serious wake-up call was headed my way ….. FAST.

    The test started with the English portions and I was actually giddy (short-lived unfortunately) to get them out of the way first. There were a few pre-test background questions and then the actual test started. These two sections proved to be the easiest and fastest to take.

    Then came the Math portions. There was only one background question that asked how well I knew Algebra. The possible answers were:

    a) I don’t know what Algebra is. (I shit you not)

    b)Not at all

    c)I used to, but I forgot it.



    Still thinking Math will be the easier test, I actually debated whether to answer d or e, but finally settled on c. Yeah…’s sad to say how right that answer really was. As you can see from the test scores in the pic below, each math section went a just a little further downhill than the previous section.

    Can’t I just take the English portion twice & forget the Math? I didn’t even bother trying to figure out some of the advanced math questions, cuz I knew that those brain cells were permanently damaged from one of my many nites of hard partying. That & they were actual proof that NO WAY have I EVER used advanced math outside of high school (so exactly why did I take those classes?). And none of the questions offered an “I drank my way through high school & a good chunk of the next two decades, so there isn’t a snowball’s chance in Hell that I will have the answer to this question.”, so I did the only thing I could do……….guess. I’m not sure of the wisdom in requiring an answer to each question. What if? Just what if? Someone guessed at the questions and got them right? A possibly remedial student being told to register for college-level calculus. Hmm…..perhaps his luck would continue to hold out. Perhaps not.

    So now I have my course placements for English and Math.

    If I consider this logically, it looks like I’m about middle of the road on the math class I have to take. I don’t know this for sure (cuz I haven’t checked out the course catalog yet), but I refuse to potentially burst my bubble just yet.

    And it may just be me, but I think I rocked the English test.
    P.S. Logic does occasionally prevail. I just checked out the course descriptions, and I am around the middle. I can either take College Algebra, Quantitative Reasoning, Intro to Statistics, or College Algebra – Business. Apparently, I only managed to erase the last two years of high school math (Trig & Calc) with my binge drinking. Whew…..
    P.S.S. I was right. I DID rock the English test. I’m supposed to take Intermediate Writing. I guess all these years of correcting Robert’s atrocious grammar and my bullshitting really paid off. I hope they don’t find out how full of shit I really am. LOL

    at least i won’t have to resort to turning tricks on the street in the immediate future

    after 3 months, i finally got some more definitive news on the merger and my job. only a slight delay, since we were told that we should hear something within 30 days of the initial announcement in jan. since payroll is considered a key position, the tentative plan is to keep both my boss & i around until feb 2010. if i stay until then, i will receive approx 5 months severance. uncle sam will take a hefty chunk of it (motherfucker), but it will still give me a few months buffer if i need it (which i hope won’t be the case). i’m glad to have some idea of what to expect. i always knew that i was going to lose my job, but not knowing when was driving me insane. think this may explain my recent increase in alcohol consumption? hmmm…..perhaps. i told my boss that one day soon i may start grieving for my job loss, so if i come in to work bawling, she’ll know why. or at least one reason why. lol

    i haven’t written in a while & i think i see a trend with my blog posts. they seem to stop a little before that “time” of the month and don’t pick up again until after it is well over. coincidence? i’m thinking no. lol i’m grateful twitter has been my blog stand-in, cuz i can write little bits during this angsty time instead of a long bitchy post where it seems like i could use a couple of stiff ones. i’m also reading like crazy these days as another diversion, but it totally could have something to do with the books i’m reading. steamy vampire romance novels……….VERY nice!

    the green-eyed monster came to visit this weekend, cuz one of my best friends is relaxing in hawaii while i’m stuck in freakin’ utah. so not fair. hawaii is on my list of places to visit, so i am very VERY jealous that she is there without me. so what if she has her husband with her? i should be there! (i know you know i’m kidding tanya cuz i can hear “you’re a dork!” all the way over here on the mainland. ROFL)
    this weekend was fairly uneventful. i got some alone time when the husband took ashley out on some errands. i had some errands to do myself on saturday, but decided to take advantage of the empty house. but then of course, the errands still needed to be done… afterwards, i treated myself to some retail therapy. nothing that would get me into too much hot water, but just enough to make it a good day…..for me. but i think someone had a problem with my shopping spree, cuz the skies opened up and hailed on me! wtf? i didn’t spend THAT much! and no i’m not taking it back, so there! lol

    a perfect example of why i share my blog with so few…..

    i find it extremely funny how people who haven’t had kids (& even some who have had kids) have such strong ideas of what they would or wouldn’t let happen to their kids. AND make sure that they tell you about it. honestly, unless you’re in the EXACT same situation, you really have NO idea of what you would actually do, right?


    i do have an example. this isn’t jsut mindless ranting (well some might say it is, eh tanya? lol). my daughter has an eye prob (phpv – but i won’t bore you with all the details) for which she has had 2 surgeries. that doesn’t include the 1 that was cancelled in the middle of it cuz the dr just wasn’t comfy with how everything looked once he started cutting open her eye (which you would think he would have determined BEFORE he started cutting, but i digress…..). she has been seeing a pediatric opthalmologist since the age of 2 & there have been varying degrees of patching & filters. each time her vision improves, we scale back on the patching/filters to see how well she can maintain & hoping that we’re near the end. BUT……….my daughter always finds way to slack off & then her vision gets worse again. so then it’s back to more agressive patching. this time was no exception. her last 2 appts had been good – not only maintaing the vision she has but even improving a little. friday’s appt was a WHOLE OTHER STORY. her vision deteriorated AGAIN cuz she’s looking over her glasses & closing the eye that she’s supposed to be working on. her current eye dr is a no b.s. kinda guy & he doesn’t take any crap. if my daughter doesn’t do what she’s supposed to, he reprimands her. and on friday he made her cry. i have no problem with this cuz it’s the only thing that gets through to her.

    so this morning i was explaining to my boss about it & she got all offended saying that she wouldn’t let anyone talk to her child like that. wtf????? 1st of all – she doesn’t even HAVE any kids! & 2nd – she’s heard about the struggles i’ve had with my daughter & she’s OFFENDED b cuz a dr is making her feel bad for not doing what she is supposed to? i’m sorry, since when has she become a kid’s johnnie cochran? she hasn’t been immersed in this like I have for the past 7 years, so i really don’t think that she grasps the real problem here. she obviously missed the whole point of the conversation. i don’t care that the eye dr made my daughter cry. in fact…..BRAVO DUDE! thanks for gettin’ our back cuz she’s obviously not listening to US. i mean, COME ON! so he made her cry? she’ll live. & maybe…..just maybe…..she’ll think twice next time she tries to look over her glasses & decide it’s not worth mom, dad, AND the eye dr yelling at her. problem solved!

    maybe some day i’ll get to a point where i can share this blog with anyone & say, “i don’t care if you don’t like what i write. tough shit…..sue me!” but for now, i’m just grateful that i can write…………whatever.

    my chiro is into s&m & i can’t fucking find 12 cents…..

    the chiro says that i’m getting better. i’ve gained more range of motion in my neck & i have less numbness in my fingers. but my arm still hurts like a bitch! he wants to start a little more aggressive therapy to get more results faster. so after 4 wks, we’re finally onto the ‘manual’ adjustments. oh joy. i’m wondering if these adjustments aren’t akin to s&m. thank goodness he’s easy on the eyes & has a good sense of humor, otherwise i’m not sure i would let him do this to me. freak! can’t i at least get some foreplay first? ROFL! he actually started these adjustments last friday, and while i really did feel a difference afterwards, they fucking HURT!!!!! guess that just shows how screwed up my body is. i’m still going 3x/week and then we’ll see what’s next after another 4 weeks.

    this week being a payroll week didn’t fail to disappoint. the msf pulled their usual crap to try to get paid on sales that they really shouldn’t have. they are getting better about accepting the word ‘no’ cuz they know i won’t put up with their stoopid whining. i’m sorry, you want to get paid on this contract when you didn’t follow procedure? TOO FUCKING BAD!!!!!

    i’m playing with new toys on the computer/internet. well, they’re new for me!!!!! since i seem to be much better at communicating on the computer, than any other method, i’m checking out things that just might possibly help me do that (in one form or another) like plinky, twitter, & flickr. i already spend hours on the computer each week, so why not add some more? lol

    the work day is nearly over, & i’m so glad cuz i’ve been bored out of my ever lovin’ mind!!!!! with all my normal tasks done (as much as can be) and all the special projects in a holding pattern until more boxes are ready, i’ve been dying!!!!! i’m so glad that i had my hair appointment today to help break up the day. i came back to work feeling vewy pwetty & not giving a rat’s ass about finding the 12 cents i’m out of balance on the payroll report. that’s what monday’s are for.

    no real plans this weekend need to finish up my mk inventory this weekend so that we can finish our taxes (that is unless i talk myself into getting up at the butt crack of dawn & driving to centerville to go to a craft warehouse sale with all the other crafting idiots in the state). maybe next year i’ll get my shit together & be better prepared for tax time. eh? prolly not.

    i just remembered that i’ve not mentioned that i was even going to a chiro before now. but that’s ok, those that know me know that i’ve been going to one. it’s all good.

    & yes, my cat is still alive & my hair elastics are safe…..for now.

    & the career rug is pulled out from under me…..

    i get into work this morning and find two emails. one states that our company is being purchased by another larger one. the next is that there are meetings this morning to discuss the first email. while in the process of reading these emails, a group from my department came back from one of the meetings and says that i really need to go to the next meeting. the ceo was running the meeting and said that the merger was a really positive thing. of course it is……for him. i’m sure he stands to get a nice chunk of change from all of this. there’s not much that can be said at this point bcuz the deal is not closed yet. what information was available said that they were excited to be able to bring “most” of the existing employees over, but that duplicate positions would be eliminated. i work in payroll – that is definitely a redundant position. any person considering this merger logically would recognize that hr, payroll, and accounting would be at the top of the list of positions to be eliminated. so while it’s business as usual until the deal is closed, i may only have a job for the next 6-8 months. ugh!