Disclaimer: This is a slightly to moderately gross post. Also, being a former Navy wife, I don’t really think that people in the Navy who are on aircraft carriers are cowards or pussies. I have a great respect for all past/present/future members of our military. While parts of this post are totally accurate, my husband knows I’m kidding and so should you.
Every once in a while, the husband has navy flashbacks. Not combat flashbacks, cuz he was cowardly stationed on an aircraft carrier providing air support from a distance with all the other pussies. The flashbacks he has are of the serious hygiene issues that he developed during his time in the service, like many navy men (I SO hope this phenomenae does NOT happen to navy women) seem to notoriously develop. I’m talking about the fact that they lose the ability to keep their asses clean. That is, if they ever had the ability to begin with, in which case, the problem is seriously magnified. Along with this, they adapt an I don’t give a shit (pun absolutely intended) attitude towards these issues. In fact, it becomes fodder for jokes. I spent enough time in the house the husband shared with some of them to see these issues firsthand. Hello? Four sailors sharing a house with as many others that could fit passed out (comfortably or not) on the available floor space with no care in the world except how drunk they could get? If there was a line for the only bathroom in the house? No worries, there’s always the backyard.
Where was I? Oh yeah. These flashbacks are not pleasant for me. I mean, can I help it if I have a very good sense of smell? I realize that he would rather not be told that he fucking smells like shit (literally). I get that. I actually agree with him; I don’t want to have to tell him that either. However, I would rather not be subjected to the reminders of the days when he wore his underwear for 5 days straight. In my mind, not too much to ask for.
during the past month, i sent 2 requests to the customer service deparments of 2 different websites. i filled out the required fields of their forms and clearly explained my questions in the comments fields. BOTH of them sent me an automated response expressing their sympathy over my difficulties with their sites and gave me the generic instructions on how to use their site and where to find help on the sites. um…….HELLO? IS ANYBODY IN THERE? would i be ASKING for help if the answer to my questions were not found already on the site? are you KIDDING ME? i do not understand why is it so difficult to get a customer service department to answer a simple f’n question. perhaps my 1st mistake was asking them via their website (or email) instead of calling someone directly. one of the reasons i don’t do this is b cuz i will no doubtedly encounter a rep who will say something utterly stupid causing me to unleash a stream of 4-letter words that would probably make even
ron jeremy the diceman blush (being married to an ex-sailor comes in handy sometimes).
i received the 2nd reply this morning, and already being in a monday mood, i immediately start drafting my response:
you are the 2nd customer service person in the past month to not even
BEGIN to answer the question that I ACTUALLY ASKED!!!!! is there some
incompetance virus that is being passed around companies? or perhaps it’s
just that you are all too lazy to do your freakin job! what is the
point of having a comments section if you don’t even BOTHER to read the
i did manage to do this w/o any 4-letter words, amazingly. then i had a moment of pause & decided i’m not quite ready to send this reply. i did save it though, while i try another option. but if i get anything similar to what i received this morning, it will be the 3rd strike in my book & i’ll declare open season on customer service reps. and before anyone starts in on me about how hard that type of job is, don’t even go there. i’ve had that job & i’m well aware that it doesn’t take much to show the customer that you are listening to what they have to say. trust me, that small effort goes a LONG way.
i’m not old. i may be nearing 40 & blind as a bat without my contacts/glasses, but i am NOT old. & i’m sure i will continue to say that even on the day i get put in a home. i’ve been lucky in that i don’t look my age (at least that’s what other people tell me & it’s managing to make it past the short-term memory dump i seem to have each night, so who am i to argue?). i don’t even have a problem with my age, usually. i’m not sure, but the day my son graduated from high school & the day he turned 18 might have been exceptions to that. i really don’t remember much of those days. anyway, i always say, “you’re only as old as you feel”, which helps me forget at least for a little while. tequila & beer helps too. the bottom line is that i don’t actually feel like i’m finishing up my 4th decade on this earth.
that was until……….
i saw a piece of lint in my eyebrow recently. i started pulling on it & i became like the mother in the movie bachelor party
where she’s trying to take the ‘footlong’ off the tray from nick the dick. it wouldn’t come off! so i was all, “the hell? the HELL? OH NO! A GREY HAIR! in my EYEBROW? guess i can’t complain too much. at least it’s not a pubic hair!”
it’s the 1st one i have ever found, but that doesn’t say much. the past 10 years i’ve been dying my hair to destroy any evidence of …… (if you’ve known me longer than that, you know, but plz don’t tell) i could have a shit load of them and just not know it. why couldn’t the grey hair be there? then i could gladly live in blissful ignorance.
now begins the debate: to pluck or not to pluck? you hear a lot these days how it’s bad to pluck your eyebrows. natural is better. fuck you. if we were all natural, we’d all have bushy cavewomen unibrows. that’s attractive. i leave mine alone for the most part, except for the strays that must have come from my monkey ancestors that SO need to just stay buried in the past. and this stupid grey hair is right in the middle of my eyebrow. so what to do – leave it alone or pull that mf’r out as fast as i can? it could leave a gaping hole in my eyebrow. how would i explain that? “um, we had a little laser pointer mishap at our last staff meeting. that’s actually fucking awesome.
i haven’t actually decided yet what to do with it, even though each time i see it i lean more towards plucking. i should just do it & get it over with. then i can go back to my mantra, even if i’m the only one who believes it. i still don’t feel old. i just hope it doesn’t multiply & spread. the day i find a grey pubic hair will be a sad day indeed.
update – i guess there will come a day when even i won’t believe the bullshit that comes out of my mouth. i fell asleep during the digital scrapbooking webinar i took last nite. i’m screwed.
another day, another chiro appt. i actually was dreading going today, cuz the adjustments still hurt like a motha, but………. well, ya know.
after the adjustments, the chiro checks my strength in my hands. my left hand isn’t that great yet, but it is getting better. he decides to work on my forearm/elbow some more to try to help. he begins to tell me about a new attachment he is getting soon. says its for the vibrating massager tool & that it really strips the muscle. and i think, ok, that could be interesting. he explains that it has a blade on it & kind of shows me with his hands what it will feel like (apparently only deeper). so i ask if it’s a deep tissue massager and he says yes. he then explains that it CAN cause bruising. wh-wh-wha-wha-what? stripping & bruising? um, what the HELL have i signed up for? and then i just start rolling on the table & i can’t stop…..