Category Archives: misc rantings

Farkle is the fucking Devil.

I know I’m not alone in this and I’m asking for your help.

I’m recruiting members for a new firing squad which will have a single purpose: to destroy the creator(s) of Farkle. This won’t really be surprising to them. They started this game for their own enjoyment and only turned it on the rest of the world Facebook community when they realized how addicted they had become. This was their revenge against their own Frankenstein monster. We need to put them out of their misery just as much as we need to be released from their curse.

They’ll thank us, trust me.

Not all flashbacks are good.

Disclaimer: This is a slightly to moderately gross post. Also, being a former Navy wife, I don’t really think that people in the Navy who are on aircraft carriers are cowards or pussies. I have a great respect for all past/present/future members of our military. While parts of this post are totally accurate, my husband knows I’m kidding and so should you.

Every once in a while, the husband has navy flashbacks. Not combat flashbacks, cuz he was cowardly stationed on an aircraft carrier providing air support from a distance with all the other pussies. The flashbacks he has are of the serious hygiene issues that he developed during his time in the service, like many navy men (I SO hope this phenomenae does NOT happen to navy women) seem to notoriously develop. I’m talking about the fact that they lose the ability to keep their asses clean. That is, if they ever had the ability to begin with, in which case, the problem is seriously magnified. Along with this, they adapt an I don’t give a shit (pun absolutely intended) attitude towards these issues. In fact, it becomes fodder for jokes. I spent enough time in the house the husband shared with some of them to see these issues firsthand. Hello? Four sailors sharing a house with as many others that could fit passed out (comfortably or not) on the available floor space with no care in the world except how drunk they could get? If there was a line for the only bathroom in the house? No worries, there’s always the backyard.

Where was I? Oh yeah. These flashbacks are not pleasant for me. I mean, can I help it if I have a very good sense of smell? I realize that he would rather not be told that he fucking smells like shit (literally). I get that. I actually agree with him; I don’t want to have to tell him that either. However, I would rather not be subjected to the reminders of the days when he wore his underwear for 5 days straight. In my mind, not too much to ask for.

I am gonna need a whole lotta ????? to get through tomorrow.

I took tomorrow off work so that I could get all my appointments done in one day. As of right now, here’s how tomorrow should go:

8 am – DMV for vehicle registration – Draper
8 am – College placement test – West Jordan (cuz the stinkin’ DMV is closed on Fridays & so now I have to try to get over there right after work today…wtf? Good thing it’s just down the street from where I work. & an explanation of why I’m taking a placement test is coming)

11 am – Latest chiro S&M session (except that it doesn’t really hurt that much anymore so I guess it’s just more of a manhandling session now. Nice!) – Riverton

12:15 pm – Orthodontist appointment (daughter) – Riverton (right across the street from the chiro…I actually caught a break there.)

2 pm – Hair appointment (me) – Sandy

4:15 pm – Eye doctor appointment (daughter) in Orem

HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP! Let’s throw something else in there that needs to be done in Ogden while we’re at it cuz I really don’t think I’m gonna be driving enough tomorrow.

if i could go back in time, i would totally kill the person who invented scales, but with my luck i would erase my entire existance

i made the mistake of stepping on the scale yesterday for the first time in quite a while. the resulting display made me think that 1) the husband kept putting one of his feet on the scale with me when i wasn’t looking or 2) scales don’t like to be left alone and lash out at their owners for not taking care of them (i.e. not using them). of course i stepped on it twice just to be sure the mechanisms didn’t get all funky from being stored vertically. i certainly didn’t want to reaffirm what i had already been shown on the display. unfortunately, i couldn’t get that lucky. the second display was exactly the same as the first…….215.5. i know, i can’t believe i am divulging this horribly high number for all to see either. it’s not even the highest i have been, but it’s a number i just can’t seem to get away from and that scares the shit out of me.

there are some days when i look in the mirror and think that, for being almost 40 and having had two kids, i look pretty fucking hot!!!!! other days, i go through self depricating phases of no one in their right mind would want to fuck me. not helpful, yes, i know. i try to focus my thoughts in a different way. by that, i mean, to concentrate on my health and that the rest of it will somehow fall in line. that could very well be. and after my last annual exam, i know that my health has got to come first. my blood tests show that i am borderline type 2 diabetic and that my hdl cholesterol (the good kind) is low. both of which can be corrected with “diet, exercise, and weight loss” (to quote my doctor’s wonderful nurse who made me desperately want to scratch her eyes out over the phone when she told me). i know she was right. i’ve known that i need to do those things for years now. we all have things in our lives that we ‘know’ need to be done, but we have trouble when it comes to the actual application of those things. i do hope that by hearing it from my doctor’s standpoint and voicing it for all the world internet to hear read, i can get a better handle on it and make some real progress. then maybe i will be totally fucking hot and that there would people lining up around the block to fuck me. i’ll keep you posted.

i guess the simple questions can be the biggest stumpers

during the past month, i sent 2 requests to the customer service deparments of 2 different websites. i filled out the required fields of their forms and clearly explained my questions in the comments fields. BOTH of them sent me an automated response expressing their sympathy over my difficulties with their sites and gave me the generic instructions on how to use their site and where to find help on the sites. um…….HELLO? IS ANYBODY IN THERE? would i be ASKING for help if the answer to my questions were not found already on the site? are you KIDDING ME? i do not understand why is it so difficult to get a customer service department to answer a simple f’n question. perhaps my 1st mistake was asking them via their website (or email) instead of calling someone directly. one of the reasons i don’t do this is b cuz i will no doubtedly encounter a rep who will say something utterly stupid causing me to unleash a stream of 4-letter words that would probably make even ron jeremy the diceman blush (being married to an ex-sailor comes in handy sometimes).

i received the 2nd reply this morning, and already being in a monday mood, i immediately start drafting my response:
you are the 2nd customer service person in the past month to not even
BEGIN to answer the question that I ACTUALLY ASKED!!!!! is there some
incompetance virus that is being passed around companies? or perhaps it’s
just that you are all too lazy to do your freakin job! what is the
point of having a comments section if you don’t even BOTHER to read the
i did manage to do this w/o any 4-letter words, amazingly. then i had a moment of pause & decided i’m not quite ready to send this reply. i did save it though, while i try another option. but if i get anything similar to what i received this morning, it will be the 3rd strike in my book & i’ll declare open season on customer service reps. and before anyone starts in on me about how hard that type of job is, don’t even go there. i’ve had that job & i’m well aware that it doesn’t take much to show the customer that you are listening to what they have to say. trust me, that small effort goes a LONG way.

at least i won’t have to resort to turning tricks on the street in the immediate future

after 3 months, i finally got some more definitive news on the merger and my job. only a slight delay, since we were told that we should hear something within 30 days of the initial announcement in jan. since payroll is considered a key position, the tentative plan is to keep both my boss & i around until feb 2010. if i stay until then, i will receive approx 5 months severance. uncle sam will take a hefty chunk of it (motherfucker), but it will still give me a few months buffer if i need it (which i hope won’t be the case). i’m glad to have some idea of what to expect. i always knew that i was going to lose my job, but not knowing when was driving me insane. think this may explain my recent increase in alcohol consumption? hmmm…..perhaps. i told my boss that one day soon i may start grieving for my job loss, so if i come in to work bawling, she’ll know why. or at least one reason why. lol

i haven’t written in a while & i think i see a trend with my blog posts. they seem to stop a little before that “time” of the month and don’t pick up again until after it is well over. coincidence? i’m thinking no. lol i’m grateful twitter has been my blog stand-in, cuz i can write little bits during this angsty time instead of a long bitchy post where it seems like i could use a couple of stiff ones. i’m also reading like crazy these days as another diversion, but it totally could have something to do with the books i’m reading. steamy vampire romance novels……….VERY nice!

the green-eyed monster came to visit this weekend, cuz one of my best friends is relaxing in hawaii while i’m stuck in freakin’ utah. so not fair. hawaii is on my list of places to visit, so i am very VERY jealous that she is there without me. so what if she has her husband with her? i should be there! (i know you know i’m kidding tanya cuz i can hear “you’re a dork!” all the way over here on the mainland. ROFL)
this weekend was fairly uneventful. i got some alone time when the husband took ashley out on some errands. i had some errands to do myself on saturday, but decided to take advantage of the empty house. but then of course, the errands still needed to be done… afterwards, i treated myself to some retail therapy. nothing that would get me into too much hot water, but just enough to make it a good day…..for me. but i think someone had a problem with my shopping spree, cuz the skies opened up and hailed on me! wtf? i didn’t spend THAT much! and no i’m not taking it back, so there! lol

and exactly how big will this something be?

today’s horoscope reads:

something big is coming, and it might come before you are completely ready for it! so preparation is the big theme for you today, and you’d be wise to double check your finances. look for opportunities to travel — do you have all your shots? is your passport valid? there are clues dropping regarding all things romantic, and by the end of the day you will probably have enough information to make an educated guess. things are going to start getting exciting!
i dunno if i’m ready for any more excitement.

i have no intention of growing old gracefully…i plan on fighting it kicking & screaming the WHOLE way

i’m not old. i may be nearing 40 & blind as a bat without my contacts/glasses, but i am NOT old. & i’m sure i will continue to say that even on the day i get put in a home. i’ve been lucky in that i don’t look my age (at least that’s what other people tell me & it’s managing to make it past the short-term memory dump i seem to have each night, so who am i to argue?). i don’t even have a problem with my age, usually. i’m not sure, but the day my son graduated from high school & the day he turned 18 might have been exceptions to that. i really don’t remember much of those days. anyway, i always say, “you’re only as old as you feel”, which helps me forget at least for a little while. tequila & beer helps too. the bottom line is that i don’t actually feel like i’m finishing up my 4th decade on this earth.

that was until……….
i saw a piece of lint in my eyebrow recently. i started pulling on it & i became like the mother in the movie bachelor party where she’s trying to take the ‘footlong’ off the tray from nick the dick. it wouldn’t come off! so i was all, “the hell? the HELL? OH NO! A GREY HAIR! in my EYEBROW? guess i can’t complain too much. at least it’s not a pubic hair!”

it’s the 1st one i have ever found, but that doesn’t say much. the past 10 years i’ve been dying my hair to destroy any evidence of …… (if you’ve known me longer than that, you know, but plz don’t tell) i could have a shit load of them and just not know it. why couldn’t the grey hair be there? then i could gladly live in blissful ignorance.

now begins the debate: to pluck or not to pluck? you hear a lot these days how it’s bad to pluck your eyebrows. natural is better. fuck you. if we were all natural, we’d all have bushy cavewomen unibrows. that’s attractive. i leave mine alone for the most part, except for the strays that must have come from my monkey ancestors that SO need to just stay buried in the past. and this stupid grey hair is right in the middle of my eyebrow. so what to do – leave it alone or pull that mf’r out as fast as i can? it could leave a gaping hole in my eyebrow. how would i explain that? “um, we had a little laser pointer mishap at our last staff meeting. that’s actually fucking awesome.

i haven’t actually decided yet what to do with it, even though each time i see it i lean more towards plucking. i should just do it & get it over with. then i can go back to my mantra, even if i’m the only one who believes it. i still don’t feel old. i just hope it doesn’t multiply & spread. the day i find a grey pubic hair will be a sad day indeed.

update – i guess there will come a day when even i won’t believe the bullshit that comes out of my mouth. i fell asleep during the digital scrapbooking webinar i took last nite. i’m screwed.

death by acne

last nite, i was looking in the mirror & noticed that my face has broken out yet again. i also was feeling kind of low, so i started to put 2 & 2 together – my zits are making me sad. the possible reasons for this are: 1) my zits are full of quaaludes or 2) they are tapping into my next bought of pms. both of which are advocates against the “no touch” general rule for zits. if i’m right, pop away! you gotta get that shit out of there before they spread. if they are full of quaaludes & spread, there’s always the danger of od’ing. my death certificate would read, “death by acne.” awesome. if they are just coming from the pms, well…..i guess the only question would be, “could i really be anymore of a bitch?”

the answer depends on just who you ask.

it’s gotta be a house of ill repute disguised as a chiro office…..

another day, another chiro appt. i actually was dreading going today, cuz the adjustments still hurt like a motha, but………. well, ya know.

after the adjustments, the chiro checks my strength in my hands. my left hand isn’t that great yet, but it is getting better. he decides to work on my forearm/elbow some more to try to help. he begins to tell me about a new attachment he is getting soon. says its for the vibrating massager tool & that it really strips the muscle. and i think, ok, that could be interesting. he explains that it has a blade on it & kind of shows me with his hands what it will feel like (apparently only deeper). so i ask if it’s a deep tissue massager and he says yes. he then explains that it CAN cause bruising. wh-wh-wha-wha-what? stripping & bruising? um, what the HELL have i signed up for? and then i just start rolling on the table & i can’t stop…..