Category Archives: am i the only one who thinks this is funny?

Not all flashbacks are good.

Disclaimer: This is a slightly to moderately gross post. Also, being a former Navy wife, I don’t really think that people in the Navy who are on aircraft carriers are cowards or pussies. I have a great respect for all past/present/future members of our military. While parts of this post are totally accurate, my husband knows I’m kidding and so should you.

Every once in a while, the husband has navy flashbacks. Not combat flashbacks, cuz he was cowardly stationed on an aircraft carrier providing air support from a distance with all the other pussies. The flashbacks he has are of the serious hygiene issues that he developed during his time in the service, like many navy men (I SO hope this phenomenae does NOT happen to navy women) seem to notoriously develop. I’m talking about the fact that they lose the ability to keep their asses clean. That is, if they ever had the ability to begin with, in which case, the problem is seriously magnified. Along with this, they adapt an I don’t give a shit (pun absolutely intended) attitude towards these issues. In fact, it becomes fodder for jokes. I spent enough time in the house the husband shared with some of them to see these issues firsthand. Hello? Four sailors sharing a house with as many others that could fit passed out (comfortably or not) on the available floor space with no care in the world except how drunk they could get? If there was a line for the only bathroom in the house? No worries, there’s always the backyard.

Where was I? Oh yeah. These flashbacks are not pleasant for me. I mean, can I help it if I have a very good sense of smell? I realize that he would rather not be told that he fucking smells like shit (literally). I get that. I actually agree with him; I don’t want to have to tell him that either. However, I would rather not be subjected to the reminders of the days when he wore his underwear for 5 days straight. In my mind, not too much to ask for.

Mondays are just not good days to try to make me think.

Driving one Monday, I saw the Subway sign on the left side of the image. I kept reading it over & over, but was still not getting it. I was just about ready to pass the sign when it finally made sense to me & I started laughing my ass off (cuz Mondays also make things much funnier to me). I decided I HAD to get a picture of it after I passed it & turned around. The other side of the sign (right side of image) made me laugh even harder, so I made sure to take pictures of both.

I’m another step closer to finally getting a degree or falling flat on my face.

I’m doing it. I’m really doing it this time. I’m going back to college to get my degree. I think.

I took my English and Math placement tests today so I can register for the fall semester. I really thought I would struggle with the English part more than the Math. After all, I was in Calculus by my senior year. What a fucking crock of shit. A serious wake-up call was headed my way ….. FAST.

The test started with the English portions and I was actually giddy (short-lived unfortunately) to get them out of the way first. There were a few pre-test background questions and then the actual test started. These two sections proved to be the easiest and fastest to take.

Then came the Math portions. There was only one background question that asked how well I knew Algebra. The possible answers were:

a) I don’t know what Algebra is. (I shit you not)

b)Not at all

c)I used to, but I forgot it.



Still thinking Math will be the easier test, I actually debated whether to answer d or e, but finally settled on c. Yeah…’s sad to say how right that answer really was. As you can see from the test scores in the pic below, each math section went a just a little further downhill than the previous section.

Can’t I just take the English portion twice & forget the Math? I didn’t even bother trying to figure out some of the advanced math questions, cuz I knew that those brain cells were permanently damaged from one of my many nites of hard partying. That & they were actual proof that NO WAY have I EVER used advanced math outside of high school (so exactly why did I take those classes?). And none of the questions offered an “I drank my way through high school & a good chunk of the next two decades, so there isn’t a snowball’s chance in Hell that I will have the answer to this question.”, so I did the only thing I could do……….guess. I’m not sure of the wisdom in requiring an answer to each question. What if? Just what if? Someone guessed at the questions and got them right? A possibly remedial student being told to register for college-level calculus. Hmm…..perhaps his luck would continue to hold out. Perhaps not.

So now I have my course placements for English and Math.

If I consider this logically, it looks like I’m about middle of the road on the math class I have to take. I don’t know this for sure (cuz I haven’t checked out the course catalog yet), but I refuse to potentially burst my bubble just yet.

And it may just be me, but I think I rocked the English test.
P.S. Logic does occasionally prevail. I just checked out the course descriptions, and I am around the middle. I can either take College Algebra, Quantitative Reasoning, Intro to Statistics, or College Algebra – Business. Apparently, I only managed to erase the last two years of high school math (Trig & Calc) with my binge drinking. Whew…..
P.S.S. I was right. I DID rock the English test. I’m supposed to take Intermediate Writing. I guess all these years of correcting Robert’s atrocious grammar and my bullshitting really paid off. I hope they don’t find out how full of shit I really am. LOL

To find my life story at Blockbuster, you would need to look in the Comedy section.

No…..greek tragedy.

Wait……..drama, total drama.


Romance? No…..I think not.

Just like there’s no way it can be action-adventure…


Fantasy? Definitely some of that in there.

Let’s see…..war? On occasion.

What about adult? Oh hell no, everyone knows it’s definitely not that.

Mystery? Absolutely! Just don’t expect to find out the solution, cuz I’M still waiting for that one!

I can totally talk to animals. Some days just take a little more alcohol than others.

Tonight’s human-feline discussion:

Anya (cat): Meow!

Me: Come here. (She rubs against my leg and walks around the table to face me again.)

Anya: Meow!

Me: Come here. (This time she rubs against my hand & lets me pet her for all of 3 seconds before walking around the table again.)

Me: Come here.

Anya: I presented myself for the obligatory petting, now fucking FEED ME!

I’m wondering just how much vodka is left in the bottle.

i have no intention of growing old gracefully…i plan on fighting it kicking & screaming the WHOLE way

i’m not old. i may be nearing 40 & blind as a bat without my contacts/glasses, but i am NOT old. & i’m sure i will continue to say that even on the day i get put in a home. i’ve been lucky in that i don’t look my age (at least that’s what other people tell me & it’s managing to make it past the short-term memory dump i seem to have each night, so who am i to argue?). i don’t even have a problem with my age, usually. i’m not sure, but the day my son graduated from high school & the day he turned 18 might have been exceptions to that. i really don’t remember much of those days. anyway, i always say, “you’re only as old as you feel”, which helps me forget at least for a little while. tequila & beer helps too. the bottom line is that i don’t actually feel like i’m finishing up my 4th decade on this earth.

that was until……….
i saw a piece of lint in my eyebrow recently. i started pulling on it & i became like the mother in the movie bachelor party where she’s trying to take the ‘footlong’ off the tray from nick the dick. it wouldn’t come off! so i was all, “the hell? the HELL? OH NO! A GREY HAIR! in my EYEBROW? guess i can’t complain too much. at least it’s not a pubic hair!”

it’s the 1st one i have ever found, but that doesn’t say much. the past 10 years i’ve been dying my hair to destroy any evidence of …… (if you’ve known me longer than that, you know, but plz don’t tell) i could have a shit load of them and just not know it. why couldn’t the grey hair be there? then i could gladly live in blissful ignorance.

now begins the debate: to pluck or not to pluck? you hear a lot these days how it’s bad to pluck your eyebrows. natural is better. fuck you. if we were all natural, we’d all have bushy cavewomen unibrows. that’s attractive. i leave mine alone for the most part, except for the strays that must have come from my monkey ancestors that SO need to just stay buried in the past. and this stupid grey hair is right in the middle of my eyebrow. so what to do – leave it alone or pull that mf’r out as fast as i can? it could leave a gaping hole in my eyebrow. how would i explain that? “um, we had a little laser pointer mishap at our last staff meeting. that’s actually fucking awesome.

i haven’t actually decided yet what to do with it, even though each time i see it i lean more towards plucking. i should just do it & get it over with. then i can go back to my mantra, even if i’m the only one who believes it. i still don’t feel old. i just hope it doesn’t multiply & spread. the day i find a grey pubic hair will be a sad day indeed.

update – i guess there will come a day when even i won’t believe the bullshit that comes out of my mouth. i fell asleep during the digital scrapbooking webinar i took last nite. i’m screwed.

the white truck with the dangly balls…..

i was driving to a recent chiro appt, minding my own business (which is not entirely true, cuz i was on the way to the chiro & cuz utah is chock full of idiot drivers. lol). i didn’t have much farther to go when i got behind a white truck with something hanging below the rear bumper.

i was all, “the hell? what IS that?” so i took a closer look.

& i was all, NO FUCKING WAY! that truck does NOT have testicles hanging on the back of it! but what else could have been? exactly! lucky for me, the truck was in the turn lane next to me when i had to turn to go to the chiro. i quickly take these crappy cell phone pics before we have to turn (cuz i’m a responsible driver in a sea of idiocy, remember?) i then notice that there is a bumper sticker in the back window that says:

how’s my driving
call 1-800-eat-shit
was i surprised? hell no! why wouldn’t a truck with testicles hanging on it have that bumper sticker? i was still laughing when i got to the chiro.
the next nite, i was out with some work friends, havin‘ some drinks, and some laughs. i remembered that i still had the pics on my cell phone and started to show them to the co-worker sitting next to me. this shit was just too damn funny:

i admit, there was A LOT of alcohol involved. but can you look at these pics & not laugh? i didn’t think so.

me: oh! you gotta see what i was driving behind yesterday! (taking out my cell phone)
micah: was it the truck with the dangly balls?
me: YES! (now laughing my ass off again) how did you know?
micah: i’ve driven by it too before. (he’s laughing too). it’s a white truck.
me: yes.

where’s a pensieve when you need one? oh wait, here’s some super glue. that’ll work.

i’m finding that i need to keep something to write on near by at all times. you can’t find a room at home that doesn’t have a notepad of some sort in it. if i don’t write my thoughts down right away, then i either 1) over analyze it and change it until it doesn’t even closely resemble what i initially thought of to begin with (and then of course is totally NOT funny) or 2) i tip my head at some point afterwards and the thought just falls out of my brain with no pensieve to go into. i wonder sometimes if it’s just possible to super glue the thoughts back in my brain? wait! sniffing glue. there’s the solution. when the thoughts fall out, i can snif some glue & then stick the thougths back in there. & if i use super glue, that shit is NEVER coming out. i might have just come up with a cure for alzheimers. i should totally be a doctor.

death by acne

last nite, i was looking in the mirror & noticed that my face has broken out yet again. i also was feeling kind of low, so i started to put 2 & 2 together – my zits are making me sad. the possible reasons for this are: 1) my zits are full of quaaludes or 2) they are tapping into my next bought of pms. both of which are advocates against the “no touch” general rule for zits. if i’m right, pop away! you gotta get that shit out of there before they spread. if they are full of quaaludes & spread, there’s always the danger of od’ing. my death certificate would read, “death by acne.” awesome. if they are just coming from the pms, well…..i guess the only question would be, “could i really be anymore of a bitch?”

the answer depends on just who you ask.