Category Archives: dating diary

So Where Did We Leave Off?

Oh yeah.

I said I was leaving Utah and moving to the Midwest.

That was over two years ago and quite a bit has changed since then. I would love to say that I got my happy ending, at least in some form or fashion. Sadly, that didn’t happen.

In fact, next week will be the one-year anniversary of me moving out and into my own apartment. And that says enough to where I could actually end this post right there. I’m sure you can guess, though, that there is a whole lot more beneath the surface of that statement.

The obvious question then becomes, “What happened?” Well, long story short, I finally recognized that the two of us just did not approach our relationship with the same intent or vision.

I can promise you that I do not feel blasé about the breakup as that simple explanation might lead you to believe. In fact, before I made the decision to move into my own space last year, the depth of the unhappiness and heartache I felt was overwhelming. I felt like I was drowning and that my own home was not a safe space. Top that with living in a state where I had no emotional ties, outside of my partner, and no support structure of my own. My circle of friends, spread out across the country, didn’t know much more than the few frustrations I shared back then. I retreated from them, as I often do when things get really difficult.

I was lost.

Thankfully, I made the decision to get help, and will always be grateful for finding an amazing therapist right off the bat. She provided the safe space I needed to scream and cry and brain dump everything I was feeling. Working with her allowed me to actually process what was going in the relationship. She mentioned once that she didn’t really do a lot for me, but I respectfully agree to disagree with her on that.

Now, therapy did not push me to move out. In fact, I still tried to make the relationship work for months after my first therapy appointment. I shared the work I was doing and the things I discovered about myself, in an effort to encourage my ex to finally open up. He had sought out his own therapist by that time. While I assured him that he was under no obligation to share anything with me from his sessions, I hoped he would. I was desperate to find some way for us to finally start connecting and communicating more effectively. Unfortunately, he only shared vague pieces of his sessions, and repeatedly told me his therapist wasn’t giving him any “homework”. Sigh.

When the day came that I realized I needed my own space, I STILL wasn’t actually ending the relationship. I just knew I needed a place where I could get back what I had lost by putting all my effort into building a relationship with this man. I needed a place where I could find some peace and joy in my life again.

Two months after I moved into my own space, however, I ended the relationship.

To be continued…

Recap

I haven’t written here in a while. Quite a while, in fact. My many unfinished posts didn’t show any real signs of finishing, so here they all are in one big recap.

Tomorrow (Thursday) is a milestone. And a pretty big one too. I still can’t believe it’s here. Kind of crazy, huh? And yes, I’m being vague on purpose. But don’t worry, you’ll find out soon enough. You only have to wait a few more hours. Think of how long I’VE been waiting!

It’s been over a month, and I still haven’t found my go-to style for this haircut yet. That is why you haven’t seen many pics of it. Well, that’s one reason why anyway. An A-line bob should be easy to style, right? I guess it is easy to style, but none of the ones I’ve tried so far scream, “YES, YES, YES!” In fact, most of them scream, “MILE-HIGH FOREHEAD!” I have figured out that my conservative choices for an easier transition from long to short is just not cutting it (pun very much intended). My next appointment will be me telling my stylist, “Stack that shit! STACK IT! AH! AH! AHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Speaking of my hair, we’ve reached the start of the “visible root” phase of this latest color. Which means in about a week or so, I will post a pic holding it out, threatening to chop it all off and go for a brunette Susan Powter look. If you’re old enough to know who she is, say it with me… “Stop the Insanity!” If not, Google people. If it’s not your best friend yet, pfft!

So, mah boys. Pretty good showing in the first (season) game under new management, right? Well, I was pretty happy with it. And at least I got to watch most of the second half (gawd damned greedy college and their stinkin LHN). Unfortunately, the celebration was short-lived, though, because there is no rest for the wicked. Especially when next Saturday’s game is against BYU. And your QB is out for concussion symptoms. And two of your offensive tackles are suspended for violation of team rules. What. The. Fuck. We are so screwed.

Oh, and by the way? I’m a Bruin again. I know that you know that I’m back in school this semester. And you know that I know that you know I’m back in school. But did you know that SLCC’s mascot is a BEAR? Well now you know. Kind of fitting when you think about it actually. Especially during a certain time of the month.

School is going pretty well, even though it’s only been a couple of weeks. I’ve gotten ahead in both of my accounting courses, so that I make sure to not get behind. What I mean by that is I have completed all homework due through this Sunday in those two classes. It was done over last weekend. But that’s not enough. After two years of homework every weekend, I want more of them freed up. I will pretty much have photography homework every weekend during this semester, which is fine. I just want to stay way in the black on my accounting homework. I’m figuring out if I can work ahead even further. Just not sure yet if it will be possible.

We’ve completed step one of Move 2014. One notice to vacate has been submitted; the other one will go in at the end of this month. We know the areas where we want to live, or I should say the areas we need to live to keep the kids’ transition to a minimum. Now it’s time to start looking. By the end of October, we will all be in one place together, as a family. We’re really here. Crap. Am I ready for this?

A friend of mine is going through a really rough patch right now, and is faced with making a very hard decision. I want so much to be able to hug her and tell her it will be ok. I hate the fact that she and I live so far away from each other. I will be there for her in anyway I can, though, just like she was for me when I went through it.

Lacy panties are totally the bomb. Enough said.

I keep dozing off while writing this, which probably means I should try and get some sleep. I keep reading what I’ve written so far, to make sure it sounds at least semi-coherent, and it does. I just wish it sounded as funny as it did in my head earlier today. Oh well.

P.S. I made pulled pork over the weekend. It was fantastic!

P.P.S. I also made coleslaw from scratch. Look at me, all Susie Homemaker and shit!

All the news that’s fit to print (and some that might be questionable).

I’m praying to the Monster gods this morning, but so far they don’t seem to be listening. When will I learn that three hours of sleep just does NOT cut it? Apparently never. Ok, so maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. Maybe I should just go with I might learn once Tim and I are no longer maintaining two households, I’m not fitting in my photography around a full-time job/school/family, I’m worrying about my health, I’m not worrying about Tim’s health, Tim’s out of school, I’m out of school, THE KIDS are out of school… Yeah, I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more I could add to that list, so perhaps it’s not that much of an exaggeration after all.

Ash passed on Schnoz Plague 2014 to me, because apparently she is all about giving to others right now. And this would, of course, be AFTER she killed our tissue reserves. So, I may be telling the therapist tonight that we need to rethink this whole “sharing” thing she has Ash working on. Sometimes you really can share too much, IMHO.

Graduation is next week for both Z-boy and Tim, which reminds me that I haven’t accomplished anywhere near what I wanted to this past month. I had an awesome list of all the things I wanted to get done before the arrival of Hurricane Tim’s Mom, like remove a layer (or two) of dust in my apartment, uncover the source of the eau de Marley that still plagues me (after what, a year now?), clear out the forest floor that is my balcony, and hit the gym. HARD. Sadly, none of those things have been done, especially that last one. I had a grand goal of being down at least ten pounds by now. Unfortunately, with everything we had going on this month, and my recent diverticulitis diagnosis, the gym has been one of the last things on my mind. So, last night, as I was figuring out my wardrobe for next week (bcuz even though I feel like crap, I am still going to look damn good for both events), I realized I have to become reacquainted with my old “friend” Spanx. And to be honest, I had hoped we cut our ties for good after the last time. *sigh*

My first senior session is nearly put to bed. YAY ME. I admit that I was thoroughly freaked out when I first started this project, even though it was 100% my idea (and my grad gift to the senior). After the first round of images was finished, I felt fairly positive about the session. But I also felt it needed more, like a new outfit, a new location, etc, so we scheduled a second round. Those images are nearly finished now, and my outlook on the session has gone from fairly positive to DAMN I’M GOOD. I had a blast working with this senior, and I honestly think I captured his personality. I also found areas of my work that could use some improvement, but I am taking them for what they are – learning tools. Some of you know what a perfectionist I am when it comes to my photography, so for me to accept a self-critique like that is HUGE.

Ok, I guess it’s time to get back to work. Short work weeks have their pros and cons, that’s for sure. As I wrap up this latest edition of This is My Life – It Could Always be Worse*, I’ll leave you with this parting thought:

Lately, I wonder what shower sex looks like with a height difference.

For a friend.

 

*Not a real thing. Or a real thought. I actually think my life is pretty great right now.

I remember

I remember
Your arm around me, pulling me close
The heat of your skin against mine
The sound of your voice in my ear

I remember
The touch of your lips on my skin
“Two thumbs up”
Knowing I would be back with you soon

I remember
Your eyes claiming me
Hearing that you missed me
Feeling truly wanted for the first time

I remember