All posts by theutahhostage

alcohol is good, am i the only one who thinks this is funny?, dumb drivers (even me), freakin weird shit, life in the fast lane, the method to my madness

the white truck with the dangly balls…..

i was driving to a recent chiro appt, minding my own business (which is not entirely true, cuz i was on the way to the chiro & cuz utah is chock full of idiot drivers. lol). i didn’t have much farther to go when i got behind a white truck with something hanging below the rear bumper.

i was all, “the hell? what IS that?” so i took a closer look.

& i was all, NO FUCKING WAY! that truck does NOT have testicles hanging on the back of it! but what else could have been? exactly! lucky for me, the truck was in the turn lane next to me when i had to turn to go to the chiro. i quickly take these crappy cell phone pics before we have to turn (cuz i’m a responsible driver in a sea of idiocy, remember?) i then notice that there is a bumper sticker in the back window that says:

how’s my driving
call 1-800-eat-shit
was i surprised? hell no! why wouldn’t a truck with testicles hanging on it have that bumper sticker? i was still laughing when i got to the chiro.
the next nite, i was out with some work friends, havin‘ some drinks, and some laughs. i remembered that i still had the pics on my cell phone and started to show them to the co-worker sitting next to me. this shit was just too damn funny:

i admit, there was A LOT of alcohol involved. but can you look at these pics & not laugh? i didn’t think so.

me: oh! you gotta see what i was driving behind yesterday! (taking out my cell phone)
micah: was it the truck with the dangly balls?
me: YES! (now laughing my ass off again) how did you know?
micah: i’ve driven by it too before. (he’s laughing too). it’s a white truck.
me: yes.
music for the masses, plinky prompts, the method to my madness

i would rather have driven nails into my skull than hear these songs back then…..

i was ready to call the radio stations & pay to get them to stop playing this song. it’s funny now, because if the song comes on, you can catch me singing, “come on eileen ta-lu-ri-ay!”
culture club did not impress me when they 1st hit the scene. and it didn’t help that this song always seemed to be on the radio. all it took were the those 1st three words, “give me time”, and i was desperately searching for a new station. but culture club had other songs that i really like and eventually i came around to this song.
99 red balloons/99 luftbaloons…..this song drove me batty! you never knew whether the station would play the german or english version. either way, i was scratchin’ my head thinking, “wtf is she trying to say?” and the english version made no freakin sense at all. this song still makes my ears bleed, although less than it used to.
am i the only one who thinks this is funny?, paging dr shaw, the method to my madness

where’s a pensieve when you need one? oh wait, here’s some super glue. that’ll work.

i’m finding that i need to keep something to write on near by at all times. you can’t find a room at home that doesn’t have a notepad of some sort in it. if i don’t write my thoughts down right away, then i either 1) over analyze it and change it until it doesn’t even closely resemble what i initially thought of to begin with (and then of course is totally NOT funny) or 2) i tip my head at some point afterwards and the thought just falls out of my brain with no pensieve to go into. i wonder sometimes if it’s just possible to super glue the thoughts back in my brain? wait! sniffing glue. there’s the solution. when the thoughts fall out, i can snif some glue & then stick the thougths back in there. & if i use super glue, that shit is NEVER coming out. i might have just come up with a cure for alzheimers. i should totally be a doctor.
am i the only one who thinks this is funny?, misc rantings, things that make me sad

death by acne

last nite, i was looking in the mirror & noticed that my face has broken out yet again. i also was feeling kind of low, so i started to put 2 & 2 together – my zits are making me sad. the possible reasons for this are: 1) my zits are full of quaaludes or 2) they are tapping into my next bought of pms. both of which are advocates against the “no touch” general rule for zits. if i’m right, pop away! you gotta get that shit out of there before they spread. if they are full of quaaludes & spread, there’s always the danger of od’ing. my death certificate would read, “death by acne.” awesome. if they are just coming from the pms, well…..i guess the only question would be, “could i really be anymore of a bitch?”

the answer depends on just who you ask.

freakin weird shit, life in the fast lane, S-E-X is NOT dirty, the method to my madness

*updated* the shock treatments didn’t work…..or did they?

there might be a problem when an innocent lunch invitation turns into inappropriate daydreams. i mean, is like everyone out there a potential bed buddy in my mind? wtf?

i think the shock treatments have backfired. either that or they were trying to turn me into a nymphomaniac where no one is safe. that would be awesome.

update – i gotta call saying that the treatments will be increased. there was also a mention of upping the voltage. apparently i’ve become a danger to society. damn…..i was just starting to come around to the nympho idea.
freakin weird shit, misc rantings, the method to my madness

it’s gotta be a house of ill repute disguised as a chiro office…..

another day, another chiro appt. i actually was dreading going today, cuz the adjustments still hurt like a motha, but………. well, ya know.

after the adjustments, the chiro checks my strength in my hands. my left hand isn’t that great yet, but it is getting better. he decides to work on my forearm/elbow some more to try to help. he begins to tell me about a new attachment he is getting soon. says its for the vibrating massager tool & that it really strips the muscle. and i think, ok, that could be interesting. he explains that it has a blade on it & kind of shows me with his hands what it will feel like (apparently only deeper). so i ask if it’s a deep tissue massager and he says yes. he then explains that it CAN cause bruising. wh-wh-wha-wha-what? stripping & bruising? um, what the HELL have i signed up for? and then i just start rolling on the table & i can’t stop…..
dumb drivers (even me), misc rantings, the method to my madness, weather

s is for the…..

in today’s quest to avoid my work, i came up with an acronym for snow. as you can imagine, it is snowing again today. i know i have said this, but i am done. i am SO done. i am BEYOND done. and no i’m not exaggerating.

if it helps, i am hearing the tune to “m is for the…” in my head. among other things. the voices are really the ones that told me to do this.

S is for the slick & slippery roadways

N is for the nimrod idiots who don’t deserve to have a license (and might not actually have one) & have no business being on the road (ok so that line doesn’t quite fit with the tune….bite me!)

O is for the OMG!…..I…..CAN’T…..STOP!!!!!

W is for when will spring really be here?

you may think i’m bitter from reading this. do i SOUND bitter? do i? DO I?????

OF COURSE i’m fucking bitter!!!!! LOL wanna criticize? come here 1st & drive in this crap & then try to criticize.
i wouldn't do this if i didn't need the $$$, misc rantings, the method to my madness

a perfect example of why i share my blog with so few…..

1 Comment
i find it extremely funny how people who haven’t had kids (& even some who have had kids) have such strong ideas of what they would or wouldn’t let happen to their kids. AND make sure that they tell you about it. honestly, unless you’re in the EXACT same situation, you really have NO idea of what you would actually do, right?

RIGHT!!!!!

i do have an example. this isn’t jsut mindless ranting (well some might say it is, eh tanya? lol). my daughter has an eye prob (phpv – but i won’t bore you with all the details) for which she has had 2 surgeries. that doesn’t include the 1 that was cancelled in the middle of it cuz the dr just wasn’t comfy with how everything looked once he started cutting open her eye (which you would think he would have determined BEFORE he started cutting, but i digress…..). she has been seeing a pediatric opthalmologist since the age of 2 & there have been varying degrees of patching & filters. each time her vision improves, we scale back on the patching/filters to see how well she can maintain & hoping that we’re near the end. BUT……….my daughter always finds way to slack off & then her vision gets worse again. so then it’s back to more agressive patching. this time was no exception. her last 2 appts had been good – not only maintaing the vision she has but even improving a little. friday’s appt was a WHOLE OTHER STORY. her vision deteriorated AGAIN cuz she’s looking over her glasses & closing the eye that she’s supposed to be working on. her current eye dr is a no b.s. kinda guy & he doesn’t take any crap. if my daughter doesn’t do what she’s supposed to, he reprimands her. and on friday he made her cry. i have no problem with this cuz it’s the only thing that gets through to her.

so this morning i was explaining to my boss about it & she got all offended saying that she wouldn’t let anyone talk to her child like that. wtf????? 1st of all – she doesn’t even HAVE any kids! & 2nd – she’s heard about the struggles i’ve had with my daughter & she’s OFFENDED b cuz a dr is making her feel bad for not doing what she is supposed to? i’m sorry, since when has she become a kid’s johnnie cochran? she hasn’t been immersed in this like I have for the past 7 years, so i really don’t think that she grasps the real problem here. she obviously missed the whole point of the conversation. i don’t care that the eye dr made my daughter cry. in fact…..BRAVO DUDE! thanks for gettin’ our back cuz she’s obviously not listening to US. i mean, COME ON! so he made her cry? she’ll live. & maybe…..just maybe…..she’ll think twice next time she tries to look over her glasses & decide it’s not worth mom, dad, AND the eye dr yelling at her. problem solved!

maybe some day i’ll get to a point where i can share this blog with anyone & say, “i don’t care if you don’t like what i write. tough shit…..sue me!” but for now, i’m just grateful that i can write…………whatever.