All posts by theutahhostage

i'm crafty (at least in my mind), the internet has brainwashed me, the method to my madness

*updated* It’s blog play time with Stacey.

My blog is in need of an overhaul. I think. Or I’m just SO bored today that I’ll play with my blog design to pass the time. Either way, you guys are gonna LUUUUUUUVVVVVV me! Maybe not after I burn your eyes with some gawd-awful background color that is immediately blinding. LOL

Suggestions are welcome, along with (contstructive) criticisms. I imagine this will be a work in progress for the next…………oh let’s just say forever! 🙂

Let’s have some fun!

Update – Ok so it’s pretty bare bones right now. Bear with me. It’s temporary. And I expect to hear from you if MY temporary lasts for weeks months years forever!
gigglesnorts, i wouldn't do this if i didn't need the $$$, S-E-X is NOT dirty, the internet has brainwashed me

Work is gonna ban me from the internet.

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Yesterday, I was reading one of the blogs I follow and now I’ll be lucky if they don’t take away my internet access at work. (be warned that it’s potentially NSFW, which is why they’re going to ban me from the internet as work).

The post started out fairly tame. But then I read where it said that Target sells cock rings and I’m all, “The HELL???” So I read it again and I’m all, “WTF???” The author had to be making this up. HAD to be. So I clicked on the link…..and that was all it took. I immediately transformed into a teenage boy, doing my best imitation of Butthead:

Huh huh…huh…uhhhhh…huh huh…you said…huh huh…c-c-c-c-cock…huh huh…huh huh!

But in a much more dignified, womanly manner. Which means that I was drooling on my desk laughing so hard and trying desperately NOT to snort. Oh. My. Gawd. How a few simple words can reduce me to this.

The rest of the post was a blur, since my mind was totally focused on the fact that TARGET SELLS COCK RINGS. Nothing can worm it’s way into my one-track mind at that point. So don’t even try. After my teenage hormones had *somewhat* settled, I HAD to tell people, “Did you know that Target sells cock rings?” Which, of course, pretty much started the giggles all over again.

I don’t know if I will ever truly be able to express my gratitude to her for helping to perpetuate my status of the troublemaker at work. Huh huh…huh huh.

alcohol is good, am i the only one who thinks this is funny?, i wouldn't do this if i didn't need the $$$, the internet has brainwashed me, the method to my madness

*updated* The series of tweets that became a blog post.

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I’ve totally figured out the cure for my insomnia……….going to work.

It’s a payroll week and I’m busy, but all I can think of is closing my eyes and going to sleep.

Fuck people’s paychecks. They don’t need to get paid, right?

Oh all RIGHT! I’ll pay them, but then I’m putting my head down and going to sleep!

Ok, so I keep forgetting that I’m sending things to the printer. I get up to do something else and then realize I don’t have what I printed so I print it again.

OMG I’M KILLING TREES! I should be burned at the stake!

I need to be stopped cuz it’s not enough that I’m killing trees by wasting paper. Apparently I need to burn them down too for my self-mutilation/self-sacrifice.

I’m going to hell.

Good thing I don’t believe in hell.

And that the liquor store is just down the street.

Update: So that last line doesn’t really make sense to me, which means I imagine that it *absolutely* doesn’t make any sense to a lot of people. So, let me add that if I’m going to hell, I’ll be the geeky popular wanna be who brings booze to desperately try to fit in.

Look out Satan…..here I come and I’m bringin’ a keg to get the party started!

alcohol is good, am i the only one who thinks this is funny?, birthdays should be banned, family, procrastinator thy name is stacey

Auntie Stacey is a slacker.

I missed the birthdays for my sister’s kids this year. All. Of. Them. The fact that I can’t even remember if I did anything last year for their birthdays is irrelevant. Most of last year I was in a drunken haze. So this year, I set up reminders on Birthday Alarm to help me with my alcohol-induced amnesia. Yeah, well…I think I need to upgrade to the package where they send you a messenger that repeatedly pokes you with a special event cattle prod until you actually DO something to acknowledge the event. To them, not you. It’s all about THEM, remember?

I’m the fucking world’s worst aunt.

So here I am, almost a week AFTER the last of their birthdays, and I am just now getting their cards done. I started with my neice’s card. I figure that at 12, she is much more likely to get my humor than the other two (but I toned it down even for her – no need to traumatize her any more than is standard for the near teenage years). So here is how I try to somehow redeem myself:

Yep I know *exactly* how late I am with this. I do. Many days lately, I am a slacker. Auntie Stacey is a slacker! LOL Even though I am a slacker, I promise you I was thinking of you on your birthday. Were your ears burnin’? I telepathically sent you lots of love, so if you all of a sudden felt warmth and surrounded by a big invisible hug, that was me. 🙂 We hope you had a great birthday! You’ve grown so fast and I can’t forget holding you when you were a baby. Ok I’ll stop embarrassing you now! Just know we love you! Happy Belated Birthday!

I hope she likes it and forgives me for being such a slacker. Maybe next year will be better. Depends on how much I drink, I guess.
dreams, life's injustices, love, relationships

Some days I just don’t know how I’m going to do this.


Having this time to myself just wasn’t what I thought it would be.

When the husband said he was finally being sent out of town for work, I dropped to my knees and cried, “My prayers have been answered, thank you LORD!” But then I remembered that I’m agnostic, so that didn’t really help. I thought that the time apart would be a good break from the tension in the house. And it has been. But along with that, came something I wasn’t expecting. Something that I am having a difficult time explaining (even to myself). I found that I focused on how much I wanted to be free of this ‘arrangement’ and to move on with my life. To hopefully find love again. And I realized how scared I am that I won’t be able to find it. That I won’t be able to have a lasting, loving relationship (that is after the prince charges up on his white steed and sweeps me off my feet – good dream!). It keeps me up at night and helps me plot how I’m going to stab the husband as he sleeps cuz I can he snores.

I recently bought the eternity necklace above. I’m not superstitious. I just liked the idea of wearing these rings near my heart reminding me of things I need to hold onto through this tough time (cuz I couldn’t find faith, trust, and pixie dust). If they don’t work I can always start rubbing my rabbit’s foot, knocking on wood, and spinning around clockwise 7 times.

P.S. I’m watching An Officer and a Gentleman on cable and they dubbed over & bleeped out the word wop. This country’s going to hell. I should probably try to get some sleep, but the odds of success are not in my favor. Good thing the husband is not here or he would be in serious danger if he eyeballed me.

P.P.S. Oh, I need a drink.

misc rantings, the answer to every question is 'c'

Timing is everything.

I just know I’m being tested. Tested to see if I can take care of things without the husband. So, of course the check engine light came on in my car when the husband is out of town. And I started to freak out…..a little. I was on the phone with the husband and he told me to take it to the Checker Auto near home to have them pull the code from the computer. I was told at Checker that they weren’t allowed to actually do it for me, but gave me the tool & showed me how to use it. The scan tool wouldn’t establish a link with my car & no it was NOT operator error. Next stop, Auto Zone. By then, I was comfortable enough to ask to use their scan tool, but the employee was nice enough to do it for me. The result was that my car won’t blow up in the near future, but it does need to go to the dealer. Which means I better go to sleep early so I can get it to the dealer in the morning. Bumper-to-bumper warranties are the best.

Ok, world, I passed this part of the test. I’m ready for round 2.
food - the root of all evil, misc rantings, the method to my madness, weight should be a 4-letter word

I had to do it to make the voices go away.


I just couldn’t help it. Not one bit. While taking my daughter to return her library books (b cuz she told me *tonight* that the books were due back *today* – of course they were), I heard a voice quietly calling my name “staaaaacey”. Then I heard it again a little louder “Staaaaaaaaaaacey”. Well, I guess the voice wanted to make sure it wasn’t ignored, cuz the next thing I heard was “STACEY GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND BUY ME ALREADY, OK?????” What could I do? Sure, I could have resisted temptation, but who needs a waistline anyway? I hear they’re overrated.
alcohol is good, misc rantings, the internet has brainwashed me, the method to my madness

I think I had my 1st drunk blogging experience last nite. How did I do?

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You know how after you do something you just have to “talk” about it, so you journal, blog, call your bff, etc. to tell about it? Well, that might not be the best thing for me to do when I’ve been drinkin’. Maybe it is. I dunno. I remember wanting to write about my BlogHer@Home experience last night, but I do not remember anything about actually writing it. And then I read it. LOL I keep going between “Don’t ever fuckin’ do it again!” (which movie?) to “Maybe you should do that more often!”. Obviously, I’m leaning more towards the latter.

I’m honored to have the http://www.blogherathome.com/ crew visit my site, still being a somewhat new blogger. I (soberly) thank you for a laugh-out-loud funny nite and I really look forward to tonite & tomorrow nite.

I do have to say that I totally meant it when I wrote that you bitches are amazing. And I promise that I can be funny even when I’m sober.

alcohol is good, am i the only one who thinks this is funny?, entertainment, friends can save you...or commit you, life in the fast lane, the internet has brainwashed me, the method to my madness

BlogHer@Home is the bomb, and that’s not just the booze talking.

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Just signed off from an awesome time at http://www.blogherathome.com/. It was awesome, just fucking awesome. The chat tonite had some awesome giveaways (I didn’t win, but I’m still hopeful for tomorrow!) and some great laughs. If I didn’t have to be an adult tomorrow and go to work, I would totally still be chatting there now. 😉

I’m more than lightly toasted, bordering on half-baked. The husband keeps trying to talk to me, but all I hear is, “Wah Wah…Wah…Wah Wah Wah…Wah Wah” (& if you have never watched a Charlie Brown cartoon don’t EVEN ask, you baby!).

Ok, so I just put on my Beatles CD. WTF? Is this what I listen to when I’m drinkin? Hmmm….not that I can recall, but then again I don’t really remember much right now. It’s probably the booze talking. Or not. I just might be *that* weird. My friends can attest to that.

Anywhoo, you should totally check out http://blogherathome.com/, cuz these bitches are AMAZING! Hope to see you ladies again tomorrow. Thx so much for the hangover that I can complain about tomorrow. You’ll never know how much it means to me. ROFL I should totally go to sleep now. Emphasis on *should*.

entertainment, friends can save you...or commit you, the internet has brainwashed me, the method to my madness

*Updated* Blog Hop ’09 from the perspective of a (not so) noob blogger.

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Reading all kinds of blog posts & tweets about BlogHer ’09, I was jealous. I admit it. I wish I was there hangin’ with the big dogs, partyin’ like it’s 1999, & learning from the best. Not this year, though. After finding out about it fairly late, I 1st ticked off the reasons of why I wasn’t worthy to attend & then said, “Screw it. I’m totally worthy!” But then, my mental birthday block temporarily lifted and I remembered that the cruise for my 40th is coming up. BlogHer had to take a back seat this year.

So here I am playin’ Bejeweled Blitz with the green-eyed monster. And I’m not alone. I don’t blame the others either; Bejeweled Blitz is the bomb. The good news is we’re not left out. We can party from home and it’s even better, cuz we don’t have to spend all the money to go to Chicago. We can even party in our pj’s! What’s better than that? Come join Blog Hop ’09 & meet lots of other bloggers out there. I’m definitely not gonna miss this!

Update – I just now caught that I had put Blog Hop ’90 in my title instead of ’09. The fact that I caught that after tossin’ back a few just might be scary. Hmmmmm…..