Uncategorized

Making the Right Decision

A couple days ago, I took Ash out to get some shots to test my camera. I wanted to make sure I was really ready for a portrait session I have tomorrow, the first after having my camera’s noise problem fixed. What would be the point of taking people out if there was no chance of getting any decent photos, right? Using Ash as a model for test shots had multiple benefits: I would get reassurance that my camera was ready and I would have more photos of my daughter. So, I talked her into it. Not an easy feat let me tell you.

I choose a location that I have always wanted to use for a photo shoot, but hadn’t yet. Since it was a weekday evening, and we had to wait until after work to go out, we were losing the light quickly. I knew we wouldn’t be able to get a lot of shots, but we dove right in. Ash was great. She paid close attention to what I was trying to accomplish and followed my posing suggestions really well. I didn’t know how the shots would turn out, but I was definitely hopeful.

What I ended up with was, well, downright awesome. I got some shots that didn’t need a lot of post processing. It confirmed that my camera is ready for the photo shoot, and I got some amazing shots of Ash for both my portfolio and as her mother.

As any good parent would do, I shared the images with her father. He responded that he liked them, and I was glad that I did it.

Yesterday, I received an email from The Ex asking me for one of the photos. He didn’t ask to get a print of the photo, though. He asked me for the image file, so that he could print a copy for himself.

Am I wrong to be bothered by this? At best, his request was presumptuous; at worst, it was rude and selfish.

I am a photographer. When I took those photos, it wasn’t as her mother. I took those photos as part of my business. The fact that I got amazing shots of my daughter was just a bonus. It’s not as if The Ex is not aware that I am working to build a business either. There were other ways to get a copy of the image. To ask me for the file was… well, let’s just say my emotions have been kind of all over the place.

On the other hand, he is her father. I do understand that, which is why I have shared a lot of images I have taken with him. Granted they have all been lo-res and watermarked, but I never thought twice about sending him copies of them. Because she is his daughter too.

I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking of what to do. The answer just isn’t that simple. What I came up with is this…

I will offer to get him a print from my lab. I will even offer to get it for him at my cost. Then again, I may even decide to just give him the print once it arrives. I won’t even mention how inappropriate I think it was for him to request the image file. I will just point him in the right direction. Subtly.

If he chooses to not accept the print option, I will give him the image file. It will, however, not be a high-res file. And it will be watermarked.

When The Ex arrived yesterday to pick Ash up, he asked me what type of camera I use. Have I mentioned that tact was never his strong suit? He didn’t, however, mention the email. I didn’t mention it either. I hadn’t yet decided what I was going to do, so I felt it was best to not take a chance of saying something I would regret later.

I think I made the right decision. Across the board.

dating diary, love, relationships

I remember

I remember
Your arm around me, pulling me close
The heat of your skin against mine
The sound of your voice in my ear

I remember
The touch of your lips on my skin
“Two thumbs up”
Knowing I would be back with you soon

I remember
Your eyes claiming me
Hearing that you missed me
Feeling truly wanted for the first time

I remember

Uncategorized

Yesterday

I decided to try my hand at a hosted site again. Short-term of course.

I’m giving it a month, or so, to see if it sticks this time. And if it doesn’t, there’s always the free site to fall back on. I will just be sure to back up my site this time.

Three years of posts. Gone.

*sighs and shakes head*

Anyway… after setting up my hosting, I began the search for a theme. What fun THAT was, let me tell you. There are so many themes out there! And none of them had everything I wanted. Go figure. I did, however, find one that was pretty close to what I was looking for as a starting point. There was just one teensy, weensy problem.

No logo area.

Ok. I wasn’t gonna let that stop me. I started digging in the editor, increased the size of the top menu area, and made some minor adjustments to the page and post layouts. Good first step. I had already found the image I wanted to use initially, so I just had to figure out how and where to put the code to call the image. Unfortunately, I don’t know much about CSS. And I know even less about PHP. Great.

Thank goodness for the Internet. I found a link with code that was for a different WordPress theme, but thought, “What the hell? Worst case scenario, it doesn’t work, and I’ll be no worse off then I was when I started. LET’S DO THIS.”

And what do you know? It. Worked.

So, my site is getting closer to where I want it to be. And I’m reminded why I chose web design for my major when I first started college.

Uncategorized

Am I really doing this again?

I’m not sure yet.

I lost my web hosting. Cuz apparently when you decide to pay for that, you have to actually CONTINUE paying for it in order to keep it. Who knew?

But, the thing is, I do miss it. I miss writing. For some reason, though, I don’t really feel comfortable having my tumblr page be my go-to writing platform. I dunno.

I haven’t forwarded my domain yet. I haven’t told anyone about this yet. I may write a bit here before I make a final decision.

Like I said, I dunno.

age is a state of mind, am i the only one who thinks this is funny?, life in the fast lane, misc rantings, the internet has brainwashed me

Reflecting on 2009

2 Comments

2010 is in less than 13 hours. HOLY SHIT Y’ALL!

Wow! This year has totally flown by. It really does seem like we were just at the beginning of 2009. But a lot has happened this year too. I started thinking about everything and came up with a pretty good list of major events(good AND bad) from 2009:

  • I crept one year closer to turning 40. Damn I’m getting old.
  • I visited someone very special to me that I hadn’t seen in nearly 20 years.
  • I found out the company I work for was being bought out and that I would be laid off in early 2010.
  • I surprised my best friend and little sister by flying out to be at her baby shower. Because, of course, I just HAD to be there.
  • I stumbled onto Twitter and it SAVED MY LIFE. Ok, so maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but it has totally been The Awesome.
  • I had the priviledge of attending BlogHer@Home and met some absolutely awesome and down-right funny people! (And the BEST Longhorns fans EVAH! HOOK EM!) (And trust me the links above don’t even BEGIN to cover all the amazing people I met. I promise I’m not trying to slight ANYONE!)
  • I finally committed to going back to college and finished my first semester (with A’s, yo! WOOT!)
  • I emancipated mah boobies! Are you shocked? ME TOO! (Yes I’m crazy, but not so crazy to give you the link right to it. If you send booze, then we’ll talk.)
  • My son came out to Utah and visited for the 2nd year in a row (I’m definitely hoping for a 3rd year too!)

    • And with all of that going on, I finally began to find my voice. It took a while, and it’s absolutely a work in progress, but it’s been a lot of fun so far. I look forward to see where the journey leads in 2010.

    I wish all of you a safe and Happy New Year! I sincerely hope that 2010 brings you lots of joy! Bottoms up!

    All my love,

    family, life's injustices, misc rantings, relationships, things that make me sad

    This is exactly why I don’t talk about the sperm donor.

    WARNING: This post is a HUGE rant that covers a couple of decade’s worth of shit and even then I’m barely touching on SO many things. I TOTALLY understand if you want to run screaming from it. I want to run screaming from it, and it’s my life! If you do dare to actually read it, well then, consider yourself forewarned.

    *****

    I have an ex-husband. I admit it.

    It’s not that I hide my first marriage. Not in the least. My first marriage played a very big part in shaping the person I am today. I just usually refer to it indirectly (second marriage, second husband, etc.). If you have checked out my sidebar, you might have noticed that I acknowledge my ex-husband briefly. Very. Briefly. And then I go on to say that I don’t like to talk about him. EVER.

    I hate my ex-husband. Hate him. Yes, I did just use the H word. And yes, I do know how harsh that sounds.

    I met my ex when I was a senior in high school. My first job was at the local roller skating rink (remember those?) and my ex worked there too. We met and got along well enough and started dating about a month after I started working at the rink.

    Our relationship…..overall…..was volatile. I can’t think of a better word to describe it. We fought A LOT. I wouldn’t say it was abusive. But it sure as hell wasn’t healthy. It took me years to figure out that I jumped from the frying pan into the fire. I used him as my excuse to get away from my family, which was dysfunctional with a capital D.

    I fooled myself into thinking that I loved my ex and stayed in the relationship because the alternative to me was so much worse. It was either him or my family. And it was imperative that I stay away from my family. They were quicksand to me (but that’s a post for another day). So I stayed. Even though he treated me badly. Even through the drugs. Even through the lies.

    And then we broke up for a while. Sure, I know NOW that the break up was the best thing. But then? Breaking up with my ex forced me back to my family, which by this time was totally falling apart. I didn’t want to be around that. I still felt I had to get away from them. So when my ex apologized, I took him back.

    I was pregnant with my son soon after and we were married a few months later.

    After my son was born (at least I think it was after), my ex started having unexplained seizures that left him on disability and without a driver’s license. We had to move in with his parents, which just added more stress and things were already bad between us. By the time he went back to work and we moved out, the relationship was in shambles. The lies started again. When I confronted him with the huge lie he had told all along about his health issues, I said it was over. I took my son and left.

    I struggled on my own. And I made mistakes. HUGE mistakes. Mistakes that I still kick myself for. One of those mistakes gave my ex the foothold he needed to separate my son from me. After that, he filed for divorce. Before the divorce was final, I felt like I hadn’t given the marriage 100% effort. I know now that it really was about still staying away from my family. I just didn’t have enough faith in myself.

    The lies continued. My ex said that he had a vasectomy. Can you guess what happened next? You got it. I wound up pregnant. Luckily, that pregnancy did not go to term. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would have been like if we had another child together. I don’t want to.

    Sadly, I stayed with him for quite a few more months. The divorce was final, but we were still dating. At some point, I FINALLY got a clue! I realized that I had given the marriage every effort, and that I deserved so much better. I told my ex that it was over.

    To say he took it badly was an understatement. And he had the upper hand. He had my son. My ex knew that I wanted nothing to do with him, but he knew I wanted my son. And he used it against me every chance he got. When I moved out of state a few years later, I tried to work with my ex on a reasonable visitation, but he would have none of it. The day I left CA was the worst day ever. I didn’t see my son after that for 7 years.

    My ex wasn’t planning to make it easy for me to stay in touch. He changed his phone number and refused to let me have it to try to keep me from contacting my son. He even took my son out of town on a weekend I drove back to CA. Yes, my ex knew I was coming. I made plans with him a month in advance. He was just being vindictive. I also knew he was bad mouthing me to my son (which was confirmed in a conversation my son and I had a couple of year s ago). He even told my son that if I attended his high school graduation, he wouldn’t be there. I showed up anyway (TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKER!).

    Thankfully, my son’s (paternal) grandmother made sure I was in his life. She is the primary reason I have such a good relationship with my son today. I will never forget her for that.

    *****

    I told you all of that because of the phone call I received from my son today. It started off as any other normal conversation. He wanted to get a phone number from me. The more he talked, though, the more I knew something was off. So I asked what happened. He said his father kicked him out last night.

    And I wanted to kill my ex. Right fucking then and there.

    My son was out here in Utah for a visit just a week ago. We talked about how things were at home. I was concerned at how my son described his father’s recent actions. They didn’t make sense to me. I wondered if his actions had anything to do with my son coming out to visit me. I kept it to myself, though, for my son’s sake. I only said here and there that I didn’t agree with certain things and that I didn’t understand why his father was being that way.

    When my son went back home it seemed like things were going to be okay. He told his father he was going to move up to Sacramento because the city college there had space available in his degree (the junior college in Stockton where he currently lives is full). I supported his decision and it sounded like his father did too.

    I don’t know what changed. And neither does my son. An argument yesterday culminated in my ex telling my son to get out and leave his keys. He also told my son that he is not allowed to call the house or his father’s cell phone. My son is not allowed to go to the house to get his things. Until this Thursday. For 3 hours. Seriously?!?!

    I am at a loss. I don’t understand this at all. My son doesn’t do drugs. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. He goes to his classes. He EXCELS in his classes. He is responsible. I DO NOT understand what could have happened that would justify this kind of reaction from my ex.

    And it makes me wonder if it has to do with me. Is this my ex’s final vengeful act? He can’t use custody against me anymore, since my son is an adult. So is this his one last ditch effort to try to hurt me? I don’t know.

    What does hurt me is that I’m not close enough to help my son. I want so badly to be there for him. But I can’t. And it kills me right now. I’ve been crying on and off since I got his call today. I know my son is strong and he will get through this, but I feel like he needs me. And dammit I’M HIS MOTHER! I should be there, right?

    Good job, sperm donor. You get an A+ for acting like an ass and driving your son away. I hope you’re proud of yourself. Because in the end, YOU’RE the one who has truly lost.

    am i the only one who thinks this is funny?, freakin weird shit, S-E-X is NOT dirty, the internet has brainwashed me

    Fifi saved me from another possbly embarrassing situation.

    2 Comments

    Husband: Why is the TV screen all slobbery and gross?

    Me: Umm…..I dunno. I can tell you what it WASN’T from. It was NOT from me making out with Tom Selleck last night.

    Husband: Huh?

    Me: Cuz that totally didn’t happen. It must have been the dog.

    Husband: What dog? We don’t have a dog.

    Me: WTF? What do you mean we don’t have a dog? How could you forget Fifi?

    Husband: Fifi?

    Me: Yes, Fifi! Our little cockapoo? The one that bit you on the leg last week?

    Husband: YOU bit me on the leg last week.

    Me: Nooooo. I was pulling Fifi OFF you. She was upset cuz you were ignoring her. I was trying to protect you. Your welcome.

    Husband: We do NOT have a dog.

    Me: HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? It’s bad enough that you ignore her. Now you’re just being cruel.

    Husband: *sigh*

    Me: Shhhh! Magnum PI is coming on.

    Now that I think about it, I’m not sure if any of that really happened. Except maybe the part about the TV screen being all slobbery and gross. Cuz I don’t need yet another restraining order.

    What? You think Tom Selleck would make out with me in real life?

    Yeah, me too.

    freakin weird shit, holidays, the method to my madness

    Mormon Graffiti

    1 Comment

    Driving down Bangerter Highway, you will often see messages written in the fences that cross the highway.

    In plastic cups. True story.

    You will see anything from birthday messages to welcome home messages for missionaries. Even marriage proposals. They usually don’t last long. You might see the messages intact once as you drive by. The next time you pass by? The messages are most likely distorted, possibly even transformed into something totally different from the original message.

    I took this picture on the way to work this morning. This message has been intact for I think 3 weeks now. I’m amazed at how much effort was put into it and at how respecful people have been to not destroy it. Of course now that I’ve said that…..well, you know.